I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
