You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
