Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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