9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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