My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
ok first of all what the fuck
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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