I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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