I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
