Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
