I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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