Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
