Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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