this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
