omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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