dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize