my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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