just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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