She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sorry about my life...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
