If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
