dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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