Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
