I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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