i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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