I can text with my tongue
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
