I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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