When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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