Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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