how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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