i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
