omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize