3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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