I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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