I think im going to throw up on grandma
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
