the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
barbara walters just said penis...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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