don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
