Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
