After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize