ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
