she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
