I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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