we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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