for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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