I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
