I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
