Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
