omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
