3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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