I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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