In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
