I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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