Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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