Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
