I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
