her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
