I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
