no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
