ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
