my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
