I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
