Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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