Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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