This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
