Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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