Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
