we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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